Simon Sez: 5 QB Questions More Important Than Football

ED NOTE: We are happy to announce the addition of a new column, “Simon Sez.” It will feature opinion pieces from the beautiful mind of Eric Simon…

1) Which QB would you want as your “Wingman”?

Roethlisberger. Just kidding. Most people would say Tom Brady… but most people are idiots. You don’t want to go out with a guy that looks like Tom Brady……so don’t go out with Tom Brady. You also don’t want your wingman to out-face you or out-dick you and I’m pretty sure Brady does both. You want to go out with someone who makes YOU look good. The correct answer here is Peyton Manning. Not only is he not attractive, but everyone that he plays with miraculously turns into a Hall of Famer. He’s charming, he’s polite, and he can’t close under pressure. He can get you to the hottest girl and he definitely won’t outplay you. Aka Manning goes limp in the clutch.

Answer: Peyton Manning

2) Which QB do you want to punch in the face?

A lot of people here would say Phillip Rivers because he just has one of those faces that you want to punch. Especially this particular infuriating pose.

However, Rivers might actually you hit you back. For me this was a toss up between Robert Griffin III and Brian Hoyer. RGIII is an overrated, fragile, smug waste of talent who will probably play a total of four seasons in the NFL. He’s too articulate and it freaks me out. Also, his hair looks like a festering pile of cat shit. But, the winner here for me and for everyone should be Brian Hoyer. He is the sole reason we are not seeing Johnny Football and that’s enough for me to want to punch him square in his creepy face. This guy came back a few times against two shit teams and the media is making him out to be Montana. Nobody wants to see you. Get off the field and give the people what they want!

Answer: Brian Hoyer

Btw. How utterly disturbing is this putrid mug shot.

3) Which QB would you trust with your life to score a touchdown?

Now, before you answer this question you have to ask another question: Does the quarterback know that he is playing for your life? If he doesn’t, obviously you choose Manning. But, something tells me that if Manning knew he was playing for some kid from the Make-a-Wish Foundation that he would throw a pick 6 on the first snap. So he’s out. Brady has won enough and he’s over it. I can’t trust Rodgers because I trusted him with my life last year drafting him in the first round and he was injured by week 8. Right now, I would go with Russell Wilson because he’s a gamer.

Answer: Russell Wilson

4) Which QB has a hidden drug or alcohol addiction?

We all know Brett Favre used to dabble in opiates which caused him to send pics of pecker to the O-line of the Jets. But, there has been little speculation about starting Quarterbacks in the league surrounding this issue. I think it’s time we start talking about it. For a couple years I have developed a sneaking suspicion that Eli Manning has no idea what the fuck is going on. A couple years ago I saw Eli fall on his ass on a QB kneel against the Raiders. I used to think it was because he has zero swag, but now I believe it’s because he has a hidden problem. That’s my only logic.

Answer: Eli Manning